The wife of U.S. House Speaker Mike Johnson need worry no longer. Prior to Mike being voted to continue his Speakership, she had been concerned for months—his restless sleep, his crying out, “No, no, I won’t go! I won’t go!” When she shook him gently, he’d jerk himself awake, smile and reply, “It’s nothing, honey. Nothing. Just something I ate.”
“Darling,” she said one morning, hugging him after an especially rough night, “You’ve got to do something about this. Maybe see your doctor.”
Mike pulled away and said, “It’s nothing, honey, really, nothing to worry about.”
Now he was finally, fully restored, thanks to God and Trump.
But during the weeks prior to the final House vote Mike heard tales about how well the new leader of Syria, Ahmed al-Sharaa and his Hayat Tahrir Al-Sham (HTS) group, were doing after they forced out the former ruthless dictator, Bashar al-Assad.
Curious, Mike decided to use a secret back channel to set up a one-day meeting with the new leader. No one in Washington would ever be the wiser, but he needed all the help he could get.
Seated in Sharaa’s office in Damascus and, out of politeness, drinking the strongest cup of coffee Mike had ever tasted, he said “I’ve been hearing rumors about how you’re pulling your country together without violence. I’d like to know how you’re doing that. What’s your secret plan?”
“No secret, really,” said Sharaa, slowly stroking his beard. “We’re just including all the religious and ethnic factions in our new government.”
“Really,” said Johnson with a barely discernible frown.
“Yes. And, we’re including women in all levels of government. We just appointed Maysaa Sabrine to lead the Central Bank of Syria. She is the former deputy governor of the bank.”
“Who will become your new President?”
“We will let the people decide. Everyone will have a vote. We are strongly encouraging women to run.”
“You mean you would be OK with having a woman President?” In Mike’s Christian fundamentalist nationalist view, having a female or many females in power was an affront to God.
Sharaa repeated what he had said during an interview with the BBC. “Of course. We’re not like the Taliban, you know. For more than eight years, HTS ruled Idlib and women attended universities. I believe there are more than 66% women in the universities now.”
“Really,” says Mike as he fidgeted with his spoon and took another sip of the brutally strong coffee.
“Really,” said Sharaa. “We’ve been studying the constitutions of several countries to figure out how to create a democracy, how to make a pluralistic society work. Where people of all faiths and ethnic backgrounds, including women, have an equal say in government.”
Mike coughed and set his cup back down. “But what if they don’t do what you tell them to do?”
“That’s part of democracy, is it not? Isn’t that how your country has succeeded for so long?”
“Well,” Mike cleared his throat and said, “I don’t know about that. We’re looking at a new model now. Our people are yearning for something different.”
Sharaa set down his cup and rose, signaling that the meeting was over.
“Ironic.” he said. “Our people are yearning for freedom, for democracy, while yours? Not so much.”
Mike stood and reached out to shake Sharaa’s hand. “Well, good luck with that.”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her column is satire and, like Fox “News,” cannot be believed as fact. She has a new (serious) book, “If You’d Only Listen: A Medical Memoir of Gaslighting, Grit & Grace,” available on Amazon if you can’t find it at your neighborhood bookstore. Email RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com. See RosieSorenson.com
From The Progressive Populist, February 1, 2025
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