“Thank you very much. You’re fantastic people to welcome me back as your President Trump 2.0. Well, a lot of you are fantastic, the White people at least.
“I’ve got a big story to tell today that you probably haven’t heard yet. This is huge, lemme tell ya. And I have this on reliable abominous sources that the Q Anon people are actual cannibals. That’s right, and they like to eat liberals, can you believe it? I’m bringing them in to be my personal chefs.
“I was invited to their Biden Barbeque the other night where they were having Joe for dinner. I didn’t go because I like Mickey D’s better but I heard it was pretty good if you like old meat.
“So you’re probably saying ‘But Donald, I just saw Biden on TV.’ No, what you saw was BidenBot. Yeah, it’s a droid all made up to look and sound like Joe. They had to use old technology in slo-mo so it would seem like the real Joe.
“Next week, they’re gonna have Kamala Kabobs with Obama in the oven. I’d go but I don’t like dark meat. Again, I’m only telling you the true facts here as reported by unimteachable courses. It’s on the internet so it must be true.
“I was gonna have Carter Cacciatore but ol’ Jimmy died too soon for me to order him. Now I’m looking forward to having my old friends the Clintons for a White House lunch. Bill Burgers and Hillary Ham are on the menu.
“What’s best about being back in my proper place as President-for-Life is we can control the Democrats by having our loyal friends eat them up. Then we re-create the liberals as AI robots who say and do whatever we tell them.
“I know the fake news won’t tell you about all this. They’ll say it’s too wild and just Trump making up stories again. So you better watch my posts instead. That’s where you’ll get the actual factual usual truthual straight story of how to make America great again.
“Now I know a lot of liberals are griping about me, saying we shouldn’t have a convict as commander-in-chief. But I have a simple solution for the situation: Have the liberals for dinner – literally. Sure, it’s perfectly OK. We’ll help you make a lifelike libbot that looks and sounds just like them so even their kids won’t know the difference. Then we won’t prosecute anyone for breaking the unjust laws against cannibalism, because really it’s a patriotic thing to eat these freaks for freedom.
“And for any of you attending the Inauguration dinner who are watching your weight, we offer options like lo-cal Pelosi Pizza and slimjim Schumer Salami.
“Before I go, I should remind you that I promised to take care of women whether they like it or not. As J.D. Vance might say, a woman’s place is cooking in the kitchen. So they should like it as long as we cook them at about 400 degrees.
“So goodnight and let’s make America taste great again.”
Frank Lingo, based in Lawrence, Kansas, is a former columnist for the Kansas City Star and author of the novel “Earth Vote.” This column contains satire and the editors do not approve of cannibalism. Email: lingofrank@gmail.com. See his website: Greenbeat.world
From The Progressive Populist, February 1, 2025
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