Governor Gregg Abbott of Texas, embarrassed by yet another massacre in his state — 19 children and two teachers — holds a closed-door, morning meeting of his cadre of gun-toting, whiskey-swilling, skirt-chasing dudes.
Sitting around a Putin-esque table, Abbott smiles at his supporters, who seem shaken by the killings.
Intending to offer support, he opens the meeting by saying, “Gentleman. I want to say a few words about our recent massacre to make sure we all remain focused on the big picture.”
His dudes exchange worried glances, as Abbott pours himself a glass of water and slugs it down. He never touches whiskey until after 5:00 p.m.
As he continues, Abbott flashes a sly-fox grin and says, “Good thing we killed abortion, right? Otherwise, pretty soon we’d have no children left in the state. Now we can be assured of a fresh supply since women are no longer able to abort their babies. See how that works?”
“Right on,” says Billy-Bob Jack-A, pumping his fist.
Abbott squints and waves his finger, saying, “Don’t interrupt me like that again, BBJA.”
Billy-Bob squirms his obese frame back into the chair and stares down at his cowboy ring.
No one knew this was Abbott’s plan all along, except the leader of the NRA, who very thoughtfully decided to proceed with their rally scant days after the murders.
“As you know,” Abbott resumes speaking, “We’re all in on the Constitution. This is what our voters want, even those whose children were murdered on Tuesday. They know the price of freedom, and they paid for it with their children’s lives. When you think about it, that’s not too much of a sacrifice, is it really? I don’t have to remind them that they can have their guns and freedom or they can have their children; they can’t have both. A man’s got to choose.”
Abbott smiles and scans the room, nodding at the quiet agreement.
“Thanks to y’all, more children are on their way. We’ve made sure of that. And we’ve cut social services so they will be forever in our debt for whatever pittance we dole out to them. They will be so busy having babies, hustling for jobs and being depressed that they won’t have the time or energy to fight us. We’ve successfully groomed them to accept our rule.”
Slack-jawed silence from the cadre.
“Where’s Costello when you need him?” BBJA pipes up.
Abbott gavels the meeting to a close.
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. You can contact her at: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, July 1-15, 2022
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