According to the Associated Press, Russia wants to host the European Soccer Championship in 2028 and has put in its application. No mention that the war with Ukraine may still be raging.Talk about bad taste.
First, the war in Ukraine, now the doped-up Soccer Championship? Can NATO stop the spread? Where will it end, people wonder?
Now we know. Putin has just launched an invasion into the competitive battlefield of baking shows. That’s right. His very own Great International Russian Federation Bake-Off! No one knew until now that the dictator secretly loves to bake cakes for his friends. Considers himself the top cake ornament. “Take that, you limey bitches,” he’s been heard muttering around the Kremlin. Putin is pissed that the UK has also tossed its hat in the ring for the Soccer championship.
Eight finalists have been chosen from a pool of over 10,000 entrants. The Grand prize? A guarantee that Putin will not invade your home country.
Among the contestants: Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas; 2) Michelle Bolsonaro, wife of Jair Bolsonaro, President of Brazil; 3) Ted Cruz, United States Senator of ill repute and big of ego; 4) Viktor Orban, president of Hungary; and several others.
The week-long contest is a nail biter. The most-watched program in the history of television! For the first bake,The Signature Bake, Viktor is victorious; for the second, The Technical Challenge, Michele wins first, and Ted, second. Who knew he had a yeasty thumb?
For The Grand Finale—the Show Stopper—Ginni has baked a cake of red, white and blue nougat, gadrooned with homemade red lady-fingers, at the tips of which fly tiny American flags and through the middle of which is a mechanical device pumping a sponge cake fist up and down.
“Oh, how I wish Clary could be here,” she says to the camera as she steps back, admiring her work. “But he’s too busy back home cratering Roe.”
One of the stage hands whispers to another, “Oh, my God, she is SO American. Just like her cake—tacky and nasty to the core.”
As Martha Stewart watches the contest at home with friends, she fumes, “That bitch stole my recipe. Ginni should be jailed for fraud.” Her guests cry in unison, “Lock her up! Lock her up!”
For her Show Stopper, Michelle Bolsonaro presents a 17-layer chocolate Brazil nut, Amazon Fondue-A-Roo cake, drenched in an alcohol-infused raspberry sauce which she lights on fire. Spectacular.
There’s tension in the air as judges Мэри Берри and Пол Голливуд, announce the winner of the Show Stopper competition: Michelle Bolsonaro!
Ginni screams at the Russian judges. “You cretins! You’re giving the Grand Prize to that bikini-wax Brazilian bitch? Over my patriotic extravaganza? You must stop the steal right now! My husband will destroy you!”
The Russians are non-plussed, perhaps because they do not speak English. When they do not cower, or bend to her will, Ginni steps back, grabs the fist from the center of her cake and hurls it at them.
“Take that you stupid Ruskies. Next time you invade someone, we will bury you, and it will not be in crème brulee!!”
Rosie Sorenson is a humor writer in the San Francisco Bay Area. Email: RosieSorenson29@yahoo.com
From The Progressive Populist, May 1, 2022
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